where DSL and meadow grass collide

How I learned to love being silly December 29, 2009

I’m reviving my blog over the holidays.  I spend most of my internet social time on Twitter, but I thought I would go “long form” for a change.  Some of the information here may be repeated in older posts, but I’m going to assume I’ll have all new readers for this one (if any!) since I hardly ever post.

Dot Com Projections

I used to work at a dot com in San Francisco back at the turn of the decade, and as a paralegal a few years before that.  After being laid off several times and going through some family crises from long distance, I moved home and have worked in retail and sales since then.  Following some trials and tribulations, I’ve started to realize that I’m more of a “behind-the-scenes” person and that working in sales just isn’t my forte.  I also found it mind-numbingly boring, and have slowly realized that none of the jobs I have had in the last few years presented me with any kind of challenge.  This isn’t good for someone who was labeled as “gifted” early in life, and therefore has always been expected to be able to do more.  So I applied to graduate school in hopes of bettering myself once again.

I was very pleased to be accepted to grad school for Conflict Resolution at a North Carolina university back in June.  I ordered my textbooks early and started reading them.  I also ordered biographies of Martin Luther King, Mahatmas Gandhi, Bayard Rustin, and other influential figures.  I imagined how great it would be to work for the UN or the Peace Corps, and decided to follow President Obama’s example in his commitment to work for others.  My interest in Buddhism was also tied in with these ideals.

Obama Halo

It was so easy to be optimistic and hopeful as Obama was sworn in.  It really felt as though the sky was the limit with what we could do, the victory was so groundbreaking.  Then as the year wore on, the tea party groups emerged, and we all watched as the town hall people threw their fits for the cameras.  It became harder to see how things would ever change here in America.  I found all of that virulent expression of hatred quite depressing, as I’m sure many others did as well.  I also became pessimistic about how we could ever achieve a real lasting peace, and felt intimidated by the arduous task of trying to live up to such sterling examples as King or Gandhi.

So I did what a lot of people might do, and distracted myself from the news.  I had been a social networking Luddite since Myspace emerged in the early 2000s.  I never got on there because I had heard there was some trouble with viruses being spread in the beginning.  I had tried for a few months, and that was about it.  So when I finally broke down and joined Facebook and Twitter this past summer, it was a welcome distraction from all of this heaviness.  It was great reconnecting with people I hadn’t talked to in awhile, and just realizing that everyone was still out there somewhere, even though they seemed so far away.  After becoming isolated living out in the country after fifteen years in the city, it was nice to be reminded of that.

Family Affair

On a more personal note, I have been trying to help boost the spirits of my father who was treated for lung cancer in early 2008.  He’s in remission, but is still on oxygen due to lung damage.  He doesn’t get out much anymore.  He has also suffered from bouts of depression and OCD for a number of years, since taking early retirement in the eighties.  This tendency he has of rumination and pessimism makes the job of comforting him that much harder.  It bothers me to think that I may never see my dad happy again.  It’s important that I try to keep myself in the best spirits I can while dealing with this though.

I’m going to give some background about my interest in Buddhism, which I hope will provide some information that will tie together with other themes later on. My mother, who was older than Dad, passed away in 2003.  I came back quite often to help while living in California.  Eventually it seemed to make more sense just to move back.  I stayed out there as long as I could though.  As my mom’s health declined, I started to think about spiritual matters more seriously.  I was mainly wondering “where do we go when we die?” and so on.  Since she was Catholic and my dad was Baptist, she had left it up to me to decide which denomination I would choose.  I had read a lot of Buddhism as a teenager, so it wasn’t much of a stretch for me to start attending services at a local Buddhist center in San Francisco.  I also tried out an Anglican church for awhile which was non-traditional as well.

Buddhist Wheel and Deer

I found that a lot of ideas in Buddhism meshed well with the Christian teachings I had grown up with, and the newer ideas were intriguing, if hard to get my head around.  Reincarnation and karma are the two that I’m still trying to better understand.  After moving home for a year, I headed back out to California to visit friends.  I was still curious to learn more about Buddhism, so I moved into a Buddhist center called Tse Chen Ling ( while I was back.  I briefly considered whether or not to become a nun.

Although I enjoyed the classes and the people I met there, I found that organized religion just wasn’t going to be where I fit in the best.  I had a lot of great experiences there though.  One of the best memories I have is of the laughter, joking, and light-hearted spirit of the younger Tibetans.  It seemed that irreverence was not only tolerated, but encouraged.  The lamas, some of whom I met in person and some I watched on videos, were so calm and understated in their presentation.  This was quite a difference from the “fire and brimstone” style of preaching that you still see in churches in the South, where the pastor is practically shouting at people.  I thought the Buddhist approach was much more authentic.  It’s true that you do see some new converts putting on a “centered and blissful” new-age style demeanor, which can easily change when things don’t go their way.  However, especially in the case of Lama Yeshe, a Tibetan monk who helped establish several centers there in the 1970s (, there was a depth of spirit present in him which was palpable.


Back to the present, I found that it was hard to concentrate on my studies, because I really couldn’t honestly say that I believed there was a permanent answer to conflict.  After all of the wars that have been fought in the name of God and country, and the petty irritations that plague even the happiest of relationships, is it really possible to eliminate conflict?  It seems like this same struggle has gone on in every era, so is there really any hope for a lasting peace and justice for all?

Also, it seems that we conceive of the striving for justice and peace as very somber tasks, worthy of pursuit, but ultimately very serious stuff.  After spending most of my childhood amusing my mother in her later years, I naturally try to entertain people.  I also absorbed the notion from my Buddhist center experiences that joie de vivre is healthy not silly, and a lighter touch works best.  I wondered if I would be willing to spend the rest of my life playing referee to so many overblown situations.  Would I be able to take each side seriously enough, would I be able to inject any levity into the mix, to try to help lighten the mood?  Or would it turn out to be me trying to manage a lot of awkward, ponderous battles?  I don’t really like taking part in personal conflict anyway!

I brought this up in one of my classes this semester.  I said that I thought that a sense of humor may help, when helping people mediate or negotiate a problem.  The teacher warned that you have to be careful with that, as often you are dealing with people you don’t know very well, and you have to be careful not to offend anyone.  Isn’t there a common ground left anymore, a perspective from which we can all see the folly of things, only if just for a minute?  Or have identity politics completely taken over the arena?  Can we find common ground as humans, or would that be completely contrived?

Twitter Bird

Due to the heaviness of being in a caregiving situation, I found myself drawn to the wry observations of comedians on Twitter, who often are dealing more with the truth on a daily basis than politicians or religious figures it seems.  I starting thinking about the underrated value of humor, and thought how great it would be if I could just get my dad to lighten up a bit.  A person has to be willing to look at things from a humorous perspective though, one can’t really insist on it, and so instead I found a lot of solace there myself.  I really enjoy the stream of consciousness viewpoint that Twitter provides.

What is it that makes something funny, and why do most of us find humor in certain situations?  Is there some way that we as a people can start to look at things from a lighter perspective from the beginning?  After years of dealing with depressed people, and suffering from depression sometimes myself, I wonder, how can we start to cultivate a lighter touch?

Lama Yeshe Lama Zopa

For others who worry about such things, here’s a few recommendations that I’ve picked up along the way.  One thing Lama Yeshe always says is to never give up on yourself.  You may have committed the worst wrongs known to man, but there is still hope for you to become enlightened, from the Buddhist point of view.  To me, this is a welcome departure from Christian thinking, with its focus on “eternal life” and the idea that one can be eternally damned or saved.  Buddhists believe that our “souls” are recycled endlessly through reincarnation.  I think that key difference helps prevent people from doing psychologically harmful things to themselves and others, just to “get into Heaven”.  Also it is recommended to be gentle with yourself, and learn to love and forgive yourself first, before trying to do the same for others.  We have all heard these things before, but have you ever actually tried doing it?  It’s not a very common attitude to find in our punitive, judgmental culture, but it seems that this kind of thinking would help us all better weather the economic and cultural storms in our country these days, rather than just seeking to place blame.

Another thing I have had to realize is that Gandhi, Martin Luther King and the rest were people too, and although they have been held up as singular examples of peace and non-violence, we do not have to live up to that exacting standard in order to make a difference.  There were many people working with them and around them who are now nameless, but they believed in the same things and contributed to the movement as well.  The chance of becoming such a figurehead is rare, and often individuals are thrust into the spotlight, as Martin Luther King was, without any real desire for the role.  Many people around King helped create the civil rights movement that he led so eloquently.

Bayard Rustin

I find Bayard Rustin to be someone who I can relate to much more, as his personal life was under much scrutiny even as he contributed greatly to the civil rights movement, primarily by bringing Gandhi’s ideas of non-violent civil disobedience back from India.  Bayard Rustin was raised as a Quaker, and so pacifism was taught to him as a fundamental belief.  He spent time in prison for being a conscientious objector during World War II.  He was openly gay at a time when this was hardly the norm.  He was arrested in Pasadena in 1953 for “lewd conduct” in what he later claimed was a set-up to tarnish his growing reputation as an activist.  His greatest achievement was organizing the 1963 March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, even though he was relegated to Deputy Director due to fears that his homosexuality would discredit the movement.  (

While my power was off during the ice storm the other day, I picked up the collected writings of Bayard Rustin, Time on Two Crosses, to see what he might say about the situation I’ve found myself in.  Maybe he could remind me why I got involved in trying to change the world.  I started out reading through the series of interviews with him in the back of the book.

Time On Two Crosses

In 1987, the last year of his life, he gave an interview with Open Hands, an HIV services organization, entitled “Black and Gay in the Civil Rights Movement.”  The interviewer asked him various questions about how his homosexuality had affected his treatment in certain circles, and what he thought the future could hold for the gay rights movement.  Specifically he was asked, “Are you hopeful for the human race?  Do you think prejudice will be overcome?  Do you think it’s improved in your lifetime?”  He gave an interesting reply about the lesson he had learned from “the Jewish prophets”.  He said, “If one really follows the commandments of these prophets, the question of hopeful or non-hopeful may become secondary or unimportant.  Because these prophets taught that God does not require us to achieve any of the good tasks that humanity must pursue.  What God requires of us is that we not stop trying.  And, therefore, I do not expect that we can do anything more than reduce prejudice to an irreducible minimum.” (page 289)

I found this advice from him heartening in a number of ways.  First off, his viewpoint seems much more realistic and achievable than the utopia of permanent world peace.  As we discussed in class, conflict is not always a bad thing, as long as the sides involved are both given their say and are able to move towards an agreeable solution for both parties.

Also, my Buddhist sensibilities are tickled with the idea of moving beyond hope (and its counterpart fear) as a motivator.  With the little I have absorbed from Buddhist thought, I’ve been struck by the idea that clinging to any given state is not the ideal way to have “skillful means”.  In other words, acting blissed out all the time is not really any better than running around pissed off at everyone.  Neither one is that realistic.  Experiencing your emotions, acknowledging them internally, and then acting with reserve and respect for others is the method that I have tried to cultivate personally.  Sometimes that means voicing your anger or disagreement as it arises.  Being Buddhist doesn’t mean being a doormat.

His idea of the “irreducible minimum” of prejudice being left in society makes sense to me as well, when you look at history and observe how many times intolerance has cropped up again and again.  I think that it’s true that even within each of us, there is always going to be a tendency to see things from a certain filter, and we have to actively work to overcome that in ourselves.  So why should it be any different in a social setting?

The Shadows Greatest Hits

This also gives us room to work, because as we acknowledge the darker places in ourselves, it makes it easier for us to tolerate its presence in others.  One thing that bothers me about the outcry against the teabaggers, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and the like, is that the left is so ready to ridicule them, then get on a moral high horse about it.  I agree that most of the things they do are terrifically misguided, but I have come to believe the best way to defeat them is to accept them as misguided, and try to love them anyway.

Remember the scene in the movie Mississippi Burning, before one of the CORE workers Mickey Schwerner is killed, when he faces the angry man in front of him and says, “I understand how you feel”?  (The statement was later confirmed by the killer as accurate.  This moment is so compelling because it helps us to realize that that kind of commitment and self-discipline transcends death.  The kind of radically accepting attitude which he was able to demonstrate at that moment haunted his killers for the longest time, as they at least internally had to admit that they were incapable of that.  Maybe we’re not required to live at such an extreme level all of the time, but it seems that making an effort towards that mindset could help one find some level of inner peace, which is where it all starts anyway.

So I don’t feel like I have any answers that haven’t already been brought up before, by other much more skilled and accomplished thinkers, but as I head back into another semester, I thought it would be good for me to organize my thoughts about these things in a blog post.  I don’t pretend to possess the self-discipline of Mickey Schwerner or the Dalai Lama, but Bayard Rustin has helped me to remember that “it’s all about the struggle, baby.”  Also I wanted to let people know that I haven’t forgotten about the movement just to chase dudes on Twitter!  Maybe that roller coaster has just gotten me in shape for pursuing truth and justice again.  🙂


Post Inauguration Plans January 27, 2009


I’ve been so busy watching inauguration coverage on tv this past week that I haven’t taken the time to update my blog. Not sure if I have any regular readers, but I can hope. 🙂

Well, since I’ve been recommending volunteer opportunities here, I thought I would talk a little about my experiences volunteering for Martin Luther King day, and mention my plans for the future, under the Obama victory banner.

I drove to the SHARE warehouse in Pulaski, Virginia after an light snowfall the previous evening, which made the drive there a bit slower than usual. Once I got there, the coordinator was in a tizzy, because the pipes had burst overnight – there was about an inch or two of standing water on the concrete floor, running underneath the pallets! So first we helped mop up the mess, before we started processing the food in another, much dryer room!

We bagged potatoes in 3 pound sacks for the discount food kits which SHARE sells in local counties, passing on the discounted cost to the consumer. The kits are available to anyone regardless of income level. They just ask that each person donate two hours of time to the program, along with the $20 cost. They provide about $40 dollars worth of groceries for that discounted price. The SHARE program is meant to be a transition for people who don’t qualify for food stamps or food banks, but who still are having trouble making ends meet. It seemed like a good cause to support.


Obama’s election and now inauguration has been tremendously emotional and personal for me. After the hard and sometimes tedious work of volunteering during the campaign, it was nice to see that effort bear fruit. However, one can’t listen to more than a few seconds of his speeches since the night he claimed victory at Grant Park, and miss the clear message of continued effort and sacrifice that he is sending out to all of us, especially those of us who gave many hours and dollars to the campaign.

I have to admit that at first, I was a bit daunted by the idea of continued involvement, since I’ve never really been that politically active in the first place, and the work I did during the campaign seemed to bring about plenty of change for the time being. But I’m finding that Obama’s ascension and now influence and authority in our lives has really helped unlock some dormant ambitions I’ve had to further my professional career, but this time in the realm of public service.

During the dotcom bust in 2000, while many of my friends went back to school, I took the challenge from several of my blue collar friends and launched into a retail “career”. Working food service and at a hardware store definitely grounded me, after working in the relatively high-flying worlds of law firms and internet startups. The other thing it did was limit my future career options. By worrying about accumulating any more debt, I stifled my chances of career advancement, by taking entry-level jobs and just “making ends meet”.

I majored in Philosophy as an undergraduate in the early nineties.  The logical step from there would be law school or possibly teaching, but I didn’t want to go $60,000 to $80,000 in debt, with no guarantee of a job afterwards. At the time I looked into it, I heard that many lawyers were coming out of school with no job prospects available, so they were forced to take paralegal positions, which certainly don’t pay enough to rapidly pay down that kind of debt. After running into problems in my late twenties with consumer debt that I had accumulated during college, I really didn’t relish the idea of going any further into that quagmire.

So now that I’ve moved back from the heady climate of the Bay Area, wiser but still not meaningfully employed (despite my ongoing education in the retail world’s “school of hard knocks”), I’ve decided that I’m finally ready to take the plunge, and go back to school. This time, I’m looking into applying my skills towards a Master’s degree in Conflict Resolution. I found out there is a good school nearby (UNCG) which has an online program – this is quite helpful since I live so far now from any nearby urban areas. I’m going to give it a try, I think.

This seems like a career path that I could really get behind – for example, providing mediation and negotiation services to various groups, including families, churches, and communities. Another way I’ve been looking at it, is that I’d be operating as a “discount lawyer” or a referee, although the field really seems to go far beyond that, including examining nonviolent strategies and methods of reducing global strife. I’m about five hours from DC, where I could possibly find a job in the non-profit sector.

With such a shining example of achievement embodied in Obama, I feel inspired to live up to my full potential once again. As a “gifted” child in school, I grew up with a sense that I was expected to achieve more, since I was the lucky recipient of these God-given gifts. I also experienced the desire to be just like the other kids, and often would compromise myself in order to “fit in”. Something about Obama’s rise challenges me to go back to the drawing board and fully apply myself again, in order to be of the most benefit that I can. This is welcome news.


MLK Day: What do you plan on doing? January 8, 2009

Martin Luther King Memorial Fountain in Yerba Buena Gardens, San Francisco

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial Fountain in Yerba Buena Gardens, San Francisco

In case you didn’t know already, Martin Luther King Day falls on January 19th this year, right before the inauguration. President-elect Obama has called on American citizens to celebrate MLK’s legacy by devoting a day to community service. The incoming administration has even created a new website to help organize the volunteer events: – Renew America Together

I’m currently scheduled to work that day, but luckily, the large cable network corporation that I work for (which will go unnamed so I can speak candidly in the future) has a policy for community service days – we get two paid days per year to volunteer for non-profit causes. So I’m arranging the day off, and as long as the company approves it, I’ll be helping pack discount food packages for the SHARE program in Pulaski, Virginia.

Have you decided how you will contribute that day? If you have to work, no matter what, you could consider doing your job out of a spirit of service, for example. That’s what I plan to do if I’m not approved for the community day for some reason. I talk to dozens of people around the country each evening, so it’s easy to consider my everyday contacts as mini-service opportunities.

Even though I work in a retail field, which is relatively crass compared to the usual idea of selfless service, a lot of times, I find what people seem to be looking for when they call in is a kind word, or having someone show a respectful attitude toward them. The item they are purchasing is one thing, but the interaction that I have with them often leaves them in a better state of mind than when they called in. This is the intangible, priceless value of human kindness and acceptance.

Although I have my days, where it’s not so easy to be pleasant, and I always thought of community service as something more lofty and noble, just being kind to the people you interact with each day can create “ripples” which help to promote kindness and decency in general. The people you impress with your generosity may go home and be more fair to those around them, and so on. It’s easy to be cynical and think, people are essentially self-motivated, and will greedily snatch up your kindness, with no awareness or regard in return. And trust me, that does happen. There’s no explaining the needless hostility of mankind (which includes women).

But the ones you do affect are what counts. If you’re not up for that, just try being gentler with your self that day. Give yourself a break or the benefit of the doubt for a change, and see what happens. After studying Buddhist teachings formally and informally for several years, the big takeaway I had from my studies was that you have to be gentle and kind with yourself first, before you can help others. Happy MLK day!